Gilda and I recently were invited to attend a charity dinner at a very
fancy New York hotel. The moment
we arrived, we immediately knew we might have been happier if we had stayed at
home!
We, of course, tried to be “non-judgmental”. Nonetheless, we were unfavorably impressed
with the many women dressed (or not quite dressed) in outlandish outfits, with
ludicrous hairdos, with gaudy jewelry dangling as conspicuously as possible. We
were equally unimpressed with the many men who dressed in flashy tuxedos with
flamboyant suspenders, gold necklaces, and with their hair dyed—except for the
gray sideburns—and greased back.
When we looked at these people, we saw pomposity, stupidity, terrible
taste, vanity.
But then I thought: when these people looked in the mirror before
leaving for the fancy dinner, what did they see? How did they view themselves?
The answer is: they probably saw themselves as attractive, elegant,
fashionable, and perhaps 20 or 30 years younger than they really were.
What could account for the vast discrepancy in how I described them, and
how they would have described themselves? The answer is: we don’t always see ourselves
objectively! We see ourselves and judge
ourselves in the best possible light; we don’t even realize when we are
deluding ourselves.
The New York Times recently reported that 97% of the retirees of the
Long Island Railroad claimed disabilities upon retirement and therefore
received extra pension payments. This
practice has cost hundreds of millions of dollars. It is truly amazing that all
these workers were healthy during their working years, and suddenly became
disabled the day they retired. It is equally amazing that doctors signed
statements confirming these disabilities, and that administrators paid out
these disability claims so readily. Based on the newspaper reports, we would
conclude that there are a lot of cheaters who are literally stealing money from
the public. But how do these people see themselves? They see themselves as
good, honest, fine people. They are just going along with the system, not doing
anything different from anyone else. They put in their years of service, and now
they are “entitled” to take whatever they can get. The company can afford it!
The public will pay!
Or let us turn (a bit grimly) to the current financial crisis gripping
our nation and the world at large. Huge companies have gone bankrupt.
Corporations have been horribly mismanaged. The sub-prime mortgage scandal
reflects greed, poor judgment, misleading of investors. All of us have been
hurt by this crisis, our assets are down, our pension funds are down. We might come up with choice words to express
our opinion of the corporate leaders who have enriched themselves at the
public’s expense, and who have brought on a global financial panic. Yet, how do
the corporate leaders who have caused this crisis view themselves? They see themselves as honest and upstanding
business people who tried to maximize profits for their companies. They only
did what others were also doing. They have not offered to return the many
millions of dollars they were paid in salaries and bonuses, while their
ineptitude caused financial distress and ruin to so many of their victims. They
feel that they earned their money fairly.
Does anyone say: I’m really a bad person who tries to do evil and to
hurt others? Even terrorists claim to be good people acting on behalf of a
noble cause. Criminals claim to be good people, forced into crime by poverty
and other social ills.
The fact is: it is human nature to judge ourselves in the most
charitable way. Indeed, human beings who always feel that they are wrong and
guilty—these people need to see a psychiatrist to deal with their poor
self-esteem. Most people feel
comfortable with themselves and see themselves favorably.
These observations also apply to us in our religious life. Rarely have I
heard anyone say: “I’m really a bad, unspiritual person. I know what our
religion teaches and I willfully reject it and ignore it, because I’m just no
good.” More often, people say: “I do my best; I’m better than many others; I
may not study much Torah and may not observe the mitzvoth too carefully, but I
mean well. I do many good things. God will understand.”
Our self-perception sometimes borders on self-delusion. We wear masks,
we rationalize, we make excuses, we justify ourselves.
The High Holy Day season, beginning with the month of Elul, is a period
of teshuva, repentance. This is a time to take off masks, to cut through our
excuses, and to see ourselves as honestly and clearly as possible. Surely, we
have many virtues. But we also have deficiencies, areas where we can improve.
If we can adjust our self-perception, we can really be so much better and so
much happier.
But how can we gain a proper perspective on ourselves? We can’t rely
entirely on our own opinions of ourselves, since we tend to glorify our virtues
and downplay our failings. We can’t even rely on what others may say about us,
since they may be judging us by the wrong standards as well, and either
over-praise us or over-criticize us.
Each year at this season, I call to mind two Talmudic passages that help
me put things into perspective. One deals with a great sage, Akabia ben
Mahalalel. Akabia was at odds with his
colleagues on several points of halakha. Although he was a minority of one, he
would not concede to the majority rulings. His colleagues made him an offer:
“Akabia, if you will retract your views and accept ours, we will make you head
of the Sanhedrin. You will then have great status and great authority.” Akabia declined this offer, and responded
with an immortal line: “I prefer to be called a fool every day of my life, but
not be wicked in the eyes of God for even a moment.” Akabia taught us something
very important. We must try to view our lives, to the extent possible, from the
vantage point of God. If we realize that
we will have an accounting to give and that we will not be able to deceive the
Judge in any way, we can hope to keep proper perspective on our lives. Our goal
is not to impress others, not to gain power or wealth, not to win ephemeral
success, not to outsmart “the system”: our goal is to be able to stand honestly
in God’s presence. We must try to live our lives so as not to be wicked in the
eyes of God for even an instant.
The other Talmudic passage tells of the son of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi.
This young man, a promising scholar in his own right, died. The grief was
great. But then, amazingly, the son came back to life. (Perhaps this is an
early example of the near-death phenomenon which is being studied by modern
psychologists and doctors.) The joy was great. Rabbi Yehoshua realized that his
son had gone to the next world and had now returned to this world. Rabbi
Yehoshua asked his son: what did you see in the next world? The son replied: olam hafukh ra-iti, I
saw a topsy-turvy world. Those who are great in this world, are of little
account in the next world. Those who are little-esteemed in this world, are
highly honored in the next world. Rabbi Yehoshua stated: no, son, you did not
see a topsy-turvy world. You saw things as they really are, olam barur
ra-ita.
The message of this story is that ultimate reality is the truth from the
vantage point of God and from the vantage point of the next world. In this
world, we are easily deceived. We think of some people as powerful and great
and successful—when in fact they are little-esteemed in the next world. We
think of some people as insignificant, powerless, unsuccessful—when in fact
they are highly-esteemed in the eyes of God.
Our rabbinic sages, in describing Rosh Hashanah, drew on the symbol of
the Book of Life. The imagery is that God sits in judgment over each of us, and
decides in which book to inscribe our names. What this symbolism is really
teaching is: our lives need to be viewed in perspective of God’s judgment, and
that we are answerable for ourselves to God. That is what is ultimately
important and genuine. No more self-delusion, no more mask-wearing, no more
chasing after illusions and shadows. When we look into the mirror, we should
see who we really are—not idealized versions of who we think we are.
During this period of Teshuva, may we
more clearly develop our self-perception; more wisely lead our lives; more
happily and meaningfully strengthen ourselves, our families and our community.
Amen.
